Thursday, July 8, 2010

LeBron James Gives Thanks to God After Signing 10 Year $100M Endorsement Deal with Heaven; Has Plan to Win NBA Title

LeBron James’ big day came Thursday in a manner unprecedented in the history of sports. His hour long announcement spectacular, dubbed “The Decision,” was hosted by ESPN with all commercial spots sold by LeBron James’ management team. And in perhaps the rarest of feats, “The Decision” exceeded the hype.

Flanked by three male lions and facing a stirring Gustavo Dudamel-conducted, 35 piece orchestra of Julliard-schooled red colobus monkeys who have been secretly training for this event for the last two years, Mr. James supernaturally elevated from his golden throne during a late crescendo of Messiaen’s Turangalîla-symphonie near the spectacular’s 45 minute mark.

For 30 seconds, Mr. James hovered above the stage as the audience looked on awestruck. While the audience anticipated the big decision, Mr. James introduced more drama when he invited three people to share the stage with him.

The first visitor was a nine year old girl identified only as Jessica. Jessica, who was stricken with Duchenne muscular dystrophy at the age of 2, was pushed up onto the stage in her wheelchair by her mother. After a brief conversation with Jessica, Mr. James, who continued to float a foot above the ground, gently placed a pair of Nike LeBron VII P.S. shoes on the girl’s feet and told her to walk. And walk she did to the applause and excitement of those in the studio’s audience.

Next up on stage was Staff Sergeant Ralph Colotus, an Iraq war veteran who had lost all feeling and use of his right arm following a Humvee accident outside of Fallujah in 2007. Mr. James thanked the man for his service and then sprinkled some Citrus Blend Sprite Remix onto the man’s right forearm before tossing him a no-look behind the back bullet pass which the man astonishingly caught with his right hand.

This led up to the one brief humbling moment of the night, which came from Bridget McAllen. Ms. McAllen presented Mr. James with her new iPhone 4 and explained that she had 5 bars but could not make a phone call. Mr. James suspended the phone in front of him as he attempted to fix it. He appeared perplexed and irritated as he struggled for nearly a minute before magically turning the iPhone into a functional Sprint HTC EVO 4G and sending Ms. McAllen off the stage satisfied (Unfortunately it can only vibrate because he doesn't have any rings).

Then it was time for the announcement that all had anticipated, and it was a statement that did not disappoint. In a superstar athlete paradigm shifting moment, Mr. James announced that he would buy the Miami Heat, endorse the New York Knicks, marry two of the LA Clippers’ Spirit Dancers in a Utah ceremony in August, co-host the remaining episodes of Oprah in Chicago, become Executive Vice President of Mining and Distribution for Polyus Gold (NJ Nets’ owner Mikhail Prokhorov’s gold empire) and play basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

With the only journalists in attendance bowing before Mr. James, he answered just one self-posed question, “Will these other commitments impact my day-to-day ability to play basketball?”

His response could not have been more clear. ”Absolutely.” Mr. James added, “That is why I am only playing part-time for the Cleveland Cavaliers. I won’t be playing any games in Cleveland unless they are nationally televised on Thanksgiving or Christmas because that city is an uninhabitable wasteland and don’t even get me started on Akron. But so as not to short-change the team, in my absence, the LeBron James puppet will suit up wearing #23. I have endowed the puppet with my great athletic gifts, so I am confident that if my teammates can commit themselves to the singular pursuit of basketball greatness, then we can win 60+ next year before again being knocked out of the playoffs in the second round, which works great for me because I will have to get down to Miami to see D Wade and Bosh win me my first N.B.A. title.”

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